


NEW CONTINENTS OF ASSHOLERY YET UNDISCOVERED

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck 2: Beyond Canon, M/M, post-epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-13 00:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21485398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: On a spaceship, Dave shares his conflicted feelings about Dirk. Karkat listens.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 24
Kudos: 175





	NEW CONTINENTS OF ASSHOLERY YET UNDISCOVERED

DAVE: hey  
DAVE: can i tell you something stupid?  
KARKAT: OH WOW. I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT THIS IS. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZE THIS, DAVE, BUT AS A RULE, THE THINGS THAT COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ARE USUALLY CLUSTERED WAY ON ONE END OF THE STUPID SPECTRUM.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE THEY’RE ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED OF GETTING TOO CLOSE TO THE OTHER END AND PLUMMETING TO THEIR DEATHS, SO THEY’RE ALL JUST BLINDLY BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER WITH THEIR TONGUES LOLLING OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS IN A LITTLE HUDDLED MASS ON THEIR SIDE, TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THEY COULD JUST AS EASILY FALL OFF THAT EDGE, TOO.  
KARKAT: THEY'RE ON THE STUPID SIDE OF THE STUPID SPECTRUM, BY THE WAY. IN CASE THAT WASN'T CLEAR FROM CONTEXT.  
KARKAT: SO IF WHATEVER YOU’RE ABOUT TO SAY NEEDS ITS OWN LITTLE CONTENT WARNING TAGGING IT AS “STUPID,” I’M READY TO BE FUCKING BLOWN AWAY.  
KARKAT: SHOULD I BE HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING? SHOULD I GET A BACKUP PAIR OF PANTS?  
DAVE: oh god fucking dammit  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: ugg  
DAVE: i really need a system i guess  
KARKAT: IS THIS THE STUPID THING, OR...?  
DAVE: no this isnt the stupid thing  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: i need a system for like, when i want to rap about something serious  
DAVE: boy i sure painted myself into this corner didnt i  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: i gotta get like an intricate system of flags with different symbols that i can like wave around  
DAVE: each representing a varying level of irony and sincerity  
DAVE: ill wave em above my head when i talk  
DAVE: give you a little cheat sheet so you can decode my goofy semaphore shitshow  
DAVE: yellow with a blue squiggle means self-aware but still certifiably dope rap lyrics  
DAVE: purple with a red diagonal stripe means performative protest-too-much homophobia  
DAVE: guess i dont do that one much anymore  
KARKAT: UM  
DAVE: white with a green dot in the upper right corner means im actually really fucking upset and confused and i kinda just wanna lie on the couch with my head in my boyfriends lap and talk about real shit while he touches my hair and tells me hes here and he loves me and everythings gonna be okay  
KARKAT: UM, DAVE?  
KARKAT: IS THIS A... A WHITE WITH GREEN CORNER CIRCLE SITUATION RIGHT NOW?  
DAVE: i think it is man  
KARKAT: OH! RIGHT. OKAY. COME HERE THEN.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HOW’S THAT?  
DAVE: good  
DAVE: that feels really nice  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: HEY.  
KARKAT: I’M HERE.  
KARKAT: AND I LOVE YOU.  
KARKAT: AND EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: thanks  
KARKAT: I’LL GET YOU A LITTLE FLAG FIRST THING TOMORROW.  
KARKAT: NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: okay here goes  
DAVE: before i launched into that overblown diversionary lil tangent where i revealed a hitherto unmentioned but very real mastery of semaphore...  
KARKAT: UH HUH?  
DAVE: i was... thinking  
DAVE: really thinking a whole fucking lot actually  
DAVE: about a stupid thing thats been bothering me ever since we started on this weird ass mission  
KARKAT: WHAT’S THAT?  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ive been really messed up lately partly cause im so worried about rose  
DAVE: makes sense right?  
KARKAT: YEAH. I’M WORRIED TOO.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: that would be the normal well-adjusted thing to be feeling  
DAVE: you did it just fine you nailed it bro  
DAVE: but ive also been...  
DAVE: and heres where it gets messed up...  
DAVE: ive also been feeling really kind of fucking jealous of her  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: thats fucked up though right?  
DAVE: like shes in trouble probably  
DAVE: or maybe shes not?  
DAVE: maybe shes gone bad?  
DAVE: maybe shes all grimdark again?  
DAVE: or maybe shes just being a huge bitch?  
DAVE: or maybe shes fucking tied up in a spaceship dungeon  
DAVE: i have no fucking clue whats going on with her  
DAVE: but instead of being scared and angry and ready to kick some ass, my main fucking feeling is that...  
DAVE: i really feel like it should be me instead  
DAVE: and i dont mean in a selfless “oh i wish i could take her place to spare her this suffering” kinda way  
DAVE: what i mean is...  
DAVE: i dont know why dirk took her instead of me  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DAVE: and theres a big part of me that im not proud of but its just kinda pissed off and betrayed about the whole thing  
DAVE: like rose and i are twins sorta  
DAVE: were both just as related to dirk at least biologically  
DAVE: but im not even sure how much they actually talked or hung out  
DAVE: in fact i dont think dirk really did a lotta “hanging out” with anybody  
DAVE: even before all this kidnapping mind control craziness came to light  
DAVE: the dude was pretty fuckin weird  
DAVE: had a very tortured reclusive ubermensch vibe  
DAVE: and i dont think a lotta people really meshed with it in person  
DAVE: nobody really GOT him  
DAVE: like maybe jake...  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: shit i love the guy  
DAVE: and i know he and dirk had a thing for a long time but  
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY, DAVE. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. YOU CAN SAY IT.  
KARKAT: JAKE’S A SWEET SEXY IDIOT.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah pretty much  
DAVE: ten scoops of junk in the trunk but none leftover for quantitative reasoning  
DAVE: i mean i guess he and dirk worked on a lotta levels  
DAVE: but i seriously kinda doubt one of them was intellectually  
KARKAT: MM.  
DAVE: man listen to me i sound like such an asshole   
DAVE: dave “nobody could keep up with this mad genius but me” strider  
DAVE: but also  
DAVE: i kinda think it was true  
DAVE: maybe not that only i could keep up with him  
DAVE: but i do think i had a connection with him that nobody else did  
DAVE: we could really talk about things  
DAVE: like when we met we had more shady baggage than snoop at customs  
DAVE: and i know youre not gonna get that reference you just gotta trust me i totally stuck the landing on that one  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: but we really worked through it and hashed it out  
DAVE: and i started thinking of him not as my bro with a capital b, but as what i always kinda thought an actual brother should be like  
DAVE: someone who just kind of innately is aware of all the fucked up shit you went through and might not even register consciously  
DAVE: because he went through it too  
DAVE: and i know in a lot of factual ways our upbringings couldnt have been more different  
DAVE: dude was literally raised by a puppet in fish bitch waterworld  
DAVE: but all the same it felt like we were on equal footing  
DAVE: like we both recognized each others shit and could just talk about things beyond that  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i really felt that way...  
DAVE: but then he went and pulled this shit that i dont even understand  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: im so mad at him that he did it  
DAVE: that he kidnapped rose and brainwashed kanaya and abandoned jake and is somehow responsible for whatever the fuck is wrong with jade  
DAVE: im obviously motherfucking furious about all of that  
DAVE: but also  
DAVE: im furious that he didnt tell me about it  
DAVE: sure i can tell myself its cause i coulda stopped it or whatever  
DAVE: but mostly i think its because it proves he didnt actually trust me like i thought he did  
DAVE: and like i trusted him  
DAVE: this guy i thought of as my equal  
DAVE: someone i had a special bond with who genuinely helped me through so much personal shit, and who i kind of thought i was doing the same for  
DAVE: i guess i didnt fucking know him at all?  
DAVE: and whats worse is that apparently rose did?  
DAVE: like what did he see in her that he didnt see in me  
DAVE: and yeah i know  
DAVE: i know intellectually that this is the stupidest fucking train of thought  
DAVE: i know rose is probably in danger  
DAVE: shes been kidnapped and is hurtling through fucking outer space  
DAVE: her poor wife is fucking frantic  
DAVE: i dont want that for myself  
DAVE: i absolutely wouldnt want you to feel like kanayas feeling right now either  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: ug  
DAVE: i cant get over this sense of like  
DAVE: envy  
DAVE: and disappointment  
KARKAT: MM.  
DAVE: and even worse is im starting to wonder how i screwed it up  
DAVE: what did i do wrong that made him pick rose instead of me  
DAVE: i just...  
DAVE: i feel like im a little kid again  
DAVE: in that fucking apartment  
DAVE: just trying to impress this inscrutable weirdo  
DAVE: never sure whats gonna be the right move  
DAVE: i really feel like im dealing with my bro again  
DAVE: or maybe i was the whole time, and i just convinced myself it was different?  
DAVE: except now i have an outside perspective about how fucked up my upbringing actually was  
DAVE: which basically just makes all that old familiar denial impossible  
DAVE: so not only do i feel like garbage but theres also a new grown up, well adjusted, adult side of me that cannot fucking believe im still hung up on this shit  
DAVE: and it just makes me feel worse  
DAVE: i dont know man  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: basically thats where im at right now  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im sorry that was a whole lot  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST KEEP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR, OR SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING?  
DAVE: man you listened to me rail on like a fool for long enough  
DAVE: if you got anything to add go for it  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: HERE’S WHAT I THINK.  
KARKAT: I THINK HOW YOU’RE FEELING IS A HUNDRED PERCENT, BALLS-OUT, PANTS-SHITTINGLY NORMAL.  
DAVE: ehh  
KARKAT: OH COME ON. YOU THINK YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SCREWED UP ABOUT THIS?  
KARKAT: FUCK. THAT.  
KARKAT: DIRK AND ROSE ARE YOUR HUMAN FAMILY, NOT TO MENTION TWO OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, AND THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT YOU WITHOUT A WORD UNDER DUBIOUS AS SHIT CIRCUMSTANCES FOR REASONS WE HAVEN’T EVEN BEGUN TO FIGURE OUT YET.  
KARKAT: OH, AND THE ONLY REASON WE KNOW DIRK’S RESPONSIBLE AT ALL IS BECAUSE JADE, ANOTHER OF OUR DEAREST FRIENDS, CRYPTICALLY TOLD US SO BEFORE SLIPPING INTO SOME KIND OF WEIRD COMA SHE’S BEEN IN FOR WEEKS NOW!  
KARKAT: SO THROW ANOTHER LOG ON THE ANXIOUS AND TOTALLY BAFFLED FIRE WHY DON’T WE?  
KARKAT: LET’S JUST REALLY GET THAT FUCKER BLAZING!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: LOOK. I STILL DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE GROWING UP.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WANNA TELL ME ABOUT IT SOMEDAY, I’D LIKE THAT. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO.  
KARKAT: BUT I DO GET THE FEELING THAT WHATEVER YOU WENT THROUGH DOESN’T JUST GO AWAY AFTER A FEW YEARS OF EASY LIVING, ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU SO STRONGLY OF IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND KNOCKS YOU ON YOUR ASS.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK DIRK’S DEAL IS, EITHER.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW IF HE’S OUR FINAL BOSS NOW, OR JUST OUR MOST ASSHOLE FRIEND WHO’S LOOKING TO CHART NEW CONTINENTS OF ASSHOLERY YET UNDISCOVERED.  
KARKAT: BUT I DO KNOW I’VE HAD A GRAND TOTAL OF LIKE FOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM WHEN YOU WEREN’T AROUND, AND THEY ALL SUCKED.  
KARKAT: ALL WE DID WAS AWKWARDLY TALK ABOUT YOU AND DESPERATELY WAIT FOR YOU TO COME BACK.  
KARKAT: SO IF I’VE GOT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THE GUY, AND *I’M* FEELING CONFLICTED ABOUT HOW TO THINK ABOUT HIM, YOU ARE DEFINITELY ENTITLED TO SOME CONFUSION.  
KARKAT: I ALSO KNOW THAT IT SUCKS TO GET ABANDONED BY SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TRUST, AND WHETHER THEY’RE A DICK OR NOT DOESN’T NEED TO FACTOR INTO YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF BETRAYAL.  
KARKAT: THE BOTTOM LINE IS I THINK YOU’RE REACTING THE ONLY REASONABLE WAY YOU CAN REACT.  
KARKAT: FRANKLY IF YOU *WEREN’T* ACTING MESSED UP, AND IF YOU JUST SILENTLY DUSTED OFF YOUR SWORD LIKE SOME STOIC MACHO HERO AND MARCHED OFF TO METE OUT JUSTICE, I’D BE INCREDIBLY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU.  
KARKAT: THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS COMPLETELY FUCKED UP, AND I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD IGNORE THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT WE SURE AS SHIT CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BEAT OURSELVES UP FOR FEELING WEIRD ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY YOU. YOU HAVE MORE RIGHT THAN ANYONE TO AS MUCH WEIRDNESS AS YOUR POOR LITTLE PSYCHE CAN DRUM UP.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU FOR IT. ROXY AND KANAYA AREN’T GONNA JUDGE YOU. MAYBE IT’S NOT POSSIBLE, BUT IF YOU CAN, I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY TO STOP JUDGING YOURSELF.  
KARKAT: IF YOU CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER ONE SINGLE THING ON THIS GODFORSAKEN CHAOS TRIP, I THINK THAT SHOULD BE IT.  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: karkat that was... actually really fucking beautiful  
KARKAT: I KNOW. I’M GOOD AT THIS SHIT. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME AND TAKE EVERYTHING I SAY TO HEART.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: AND YOU SHOULD TALK TO ME MORE ABOUT THIS STUFF.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’RE THE KING OF IRONY, AND I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF MAKING YOU ABDICATE YOUR SHITTY, JPEG-Y THRONE. BUT WHENEVER YOU WANNA TAKE A BREAK FROM THAT AND WAVE YOUR LITTLE SINCERITY FLAG AT ME, YOU CAN.  
DAVE: thank you  
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW IF EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY. FRANKLY THIS IS ALL SO FUCKED UP, I HONESTLY DON’T SEE HOW IT COULD POSSIBLY RESOLVE IN A WAY WE’LL FEEL JUSTIFIED IN CALLING “OKAY.”  
KARKAT: BUT AS FAR AS *YOU’RE* CONCERNED, I SINCERELY THINK THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, OR THE WAY YOU’VE BEEN FEELING.  
KARKAT: AND WHENEVER YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OR ANYTHING ELSE, I’LL SIT RIGHT HERE ON THIS COUCH AND I’LL LISTEN, AND I’LL TOUCH YOUR HAIR, AND I’LL TELL YOU IT’S ALL GOING TO BE OKAY.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I’M HERE FOR YOU. AND I LOVE YOU.  
DAVE: i love you too man  
DAVE: thanks  



End file.
